At last the moment has arrived to announce the winners of Tamson’s pitch contest.  I, of course, have read through her post and I can’t believe how much information she provided on what makes a good pitch, what trips them up and why she selected the ones she did.  She even gave us a few honorable mentions.  Thanks so much Tamson!  I am very envious of the winner, because after reading this post, I know you are going to get a phenomenal critique.  And don’t forget – even if you didn’t win, Tamson is a freelance editor and you can hire her to help you with your manuscripts.  

One last thing.  In this post, Tamson talks about titles, and I feel terrible because I think the reason some of you didn’t submit with a title is because I didn’t specify that you could.  I said to submit your pitch and the first line.  Of course that didn’t mean you couldn’t submit titles, but I wasn’t clear. Mi dispiace (Italian for “my apologies”). Live and learn for the next contest!  Now, onto Tamson!

Congratulations, Pitch Winners!

It’s been a lot of fun working on this contest and seeing all the cool stuff that’s gestating in all of your fertile brains. It’s got me thinking a lot more about what makes a good pitch and what doesn’t, how important the pitch is in terms of introducing your manuscripts, and whether or not a bad pitch can be overcome by a fantastic idea. I’d like to share a few insights here as a prelude to the big announcement.

Titles: Many of you did not submit titles with your entries! Presumably, you have them, and just didn’t think they were a necessary part of the contest. And I didn’t end up holding it against you…much. Seriously though, you should be using every tool at your disposal and a title is one of those tools. You might not think you are good at coming up with titles, but you should try, even if it means soliciting help. In all honesty, you may end up having to change it before it’s published, but you should definitely try to find a title that will grab your readers’ attention.

Length:  Many of the pitches should have been shorter. Try to keep it to one sentence. If the sentences are pretty short, you may be able to get away with two. But don’t make it longer than that. Picture books are short! It drives me crazy when I see flap copy that is half the length of the accompanying book, and I feel the same way about a lengthy pitch.  Fear not! None of you were that far off the mark, but there was some excess verbiage floating around.  One way to help you keep it short is to rewrite your pitch about 20 times until it’s pared down to its essentials, while still retaining a personality.

Questions: What role should questions play in your pitch? Usually none. Here’s why: There’s a tendency that we sometimes have to make our pitch sound like aggressive marketing copy, a la infomercial: Do you like Flies? Do you like soup? Well this picture book is for you! Either that, or it sounds like you’re being coy or are playing out a joke or riddle all by yourself: What’s a fly doing in this man’s soup? Why, the backstroke, of course!  When you could just get to the point: A man is enjoying a delicious bowl of soup when he notices something in it that wasn’t on the menu.

Rhyme:  Rhyming manuscripts, much to my chagrin, are taking a bit of a hit these days. Some agents and editors won’t even look at them. For example, see this post by Mary Kole [link to:] (which, admittedly, is just one agent’s perspective). You have to make sure those first lines really shine. That means, ideally, you show the agent that you are the master of your craft [link to this post:]. But at the very least, you should show her that you are a confident and capable versifier. That means that none of those four lines should feel like they’ve been put there merely to accommodate the rhyme scheme. They should flow out eloquently and organically.

Personality: The pitch is a tool to get people to want to read your manuscript and there are guidelines to help your pitch do its job. It helps, though, if there’s a little spark to it as well. Is your character’s voice really engaging? Is your manuscript funny? Is your language lyrical? Then, ideally, your pitch should reflect that. You can, then, bend the “rules” a bit to make this happen. Don’t overwork it though. If you are having trouble getting personality in there without making the pitch very long, then just get to the point. This is a picture book, after all. It’s short. Agents are just going to want to dispense with the introductions and move on to the manuscript.

The Unexpected: Finally, I have to say that sometimes I was almost won over, in spite of myself, by pitches that weren’t ideally executed, but had a great concept behind them. For example, one of the winning pitches contains a question which I thought helped capture the personality of the character. I considered a couple of others that had questions too. Sometimes the idea just wins out, even when the writer doesn’t follow the guidelines to the letter. The best route to a good pitch is to follow the guidelines as closely as possible while capturing the essence of your manuscript.

Here are a few honorable mentions and a little critique of their execution.


PITCH: Marcus wants a brother. So he builds his own “brobot”, only to find that having a little brother – especially a robotic one – isn’t easy.

FIRST LINE: Marcus wanted a brother to play with, but his mom wouldn’t give him one, and he didn’t have enough money to buy one.

This is just a great idea for a book. The proof is in the pudding, of course, but it’s a good concept. The pitch, however, is unnecessarily wordy. This is pretty easily fixed: “Marcus wants a brother—so he builds one!” I wouldn’t use “Funtastic,” either. It’s feels like too much of a marketing buzz word at this point, much like Spooktacular. Marcus and the Brobot is solid on its own. Brobot is a good, evocative invented noun.

PITCH: Are you ready for a French nickname? To get fluffy? To save a flower? A charming dandelion enlists the your help in NAPOLEON BLOWN APART.  — by Julie Falatko

FIRST LINE: Bonjour. I am Napoleon. Yes, yes, I know, I am very beautiful. My lovely yellow petals shine like the golden sun.

This one cracked me up. Unfortunately, it’s not a great use of questions—this falls into the category of infomercial-type language.  Just the last sentence of the pitch would have been fine, but it probably be shouldn’t be in second person. This can put off some agents. I would also recommend cutting the third sentence in the opening of the manuscript.


PITCH: After a week Maya’s mud puddle is teeming with life. What are those fast swimmy things, and how did they get there? Nonfiction/ecology.

FIRST LINE: After yesterday’s rain I am ready for puddle stomping.

Great title. I like playful approaches on nonfiction, so this appealed to me. However, this is a case where the question is not helping the copy. Just the first sentence in the pitch is enough. The  “nonfiction” tag is also not necessary.   The first line of the manuscript is good. Quite solid.


Second place, winner of the book Dear Genius: The Letters of Ursula Nordstrom is…


PITCH: Arabella is desperate to keep Penweezle, an ex-witch’s cat, but convincing her family is not easy, especially when the cat tries to help.

FIRST LINE: It was just before teatime when the doorbell rang and Arabella found a cat on the doorstep.

This pitch has a funny deadpan quality to it. It sounds like a conventional pitch, but that clause on the end really gives a little punch. I immediately was imagining the kind of havoc this cat could wreak. The repetition of “door” (in doorbell and doorstep) in the first line is a little unfortunate and easily fixed. It needs a title, of course.

First place, winner of the book, Writing with Pictures, by Uri Schulevitz is…


PITCH: Esther is a fashionista sheep trying to bring a little style to her flock, but finding the perfect accessories on a ranch isn’t easy at all.

FIRST LINE: Nothing made Esther happier than trying on different outfits.

A really concise, well-worded pitch with a little personality. I would change “fashionista” to “fashionable” however. “Fashionista” is too new a phenomenon. This may be just me. I would also delete “at all” but that’s a pretty minor quibble.

Grand Prize, winner of the manuscript critique is…

MELISSA KELLEY!!! ***confetti toss***

PITCH: Elly is wild to save her favorite endangered zoo animal – but big brother claims there’s no such thing as Unicorns! Then what are those?

FIRST LINE: I am the luckiest girl in the world.

This is a case where the question really worked for me, and it adds a little element of surprise to the pitch, which is nice. I wonder why there’s not a “her” before “big brother,” though, since, presumably, it’s not his name.  The first line of the story is great. Gives us a sense of this exuberant girl right away and you don’t even resort to using an exclamation mark. Amazing. But, no title! (Save the Unicorns! Unicorns at the Zoo!  The Finest Unicorn at the Zoo). Well done. I look forward to reading the rest.

Let’s all give a big thanks to Tamson for hosting this contest for 12 x 12 participants.  Congratulations to all the winners and to everyone who participated.  I learned loads in the process of running the contest, and I hope you all did too.  

Categories: 12 x 12 in 2012, Authors, Giveaway, Picture Books, Queries, Rhyming, Writing · Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,



  1. Brilliant. Bookmarked. Bravo!

  2. Thanks Tamson and congrats to the winners!

  3. Thanks so much, Tamson. A treasure to have. I’ll be rereading this each time I write a pitch.

  4. Congratulations to the winners! Such an interesting post – love the feedback from Tamson. 🙂

  5. Whoa, fabulous post! Thank you, Tamson, Julie, and the judging crew for this whole process. Congratulations to the winners!

  6. I learned so much from the process and from Tamson’s post today. Thank you for that! And huge congratulations to the winners!

  7. Congratulations to the winners. And thanks Tamson for your invaluable information.

  8. congrats to all the winners! Thanks Tamson for your invaluable feedback. Will be bookmarking this post.

  9. Loved this. Congrats to the winners, excellent job, and keeping this post on tap to refer to again, and again. Thanks Tamson and Julie.

  10. Congratulations to all the winners and honorable mentions. I learned so much from participating in this and seeing so much of the process. Thank you Tamson and Julie for the great opportunities and postings. Muchas Gracias!! Melissa Mead

  11. Congratulations to all the winners and those given honorable mentions.

    Tamson, thanks for having the contest and lending your insight into queries.
    Your advise and reading others’ pitches is extremely helpful.
    This post has earned its rightful place in my writing tool box.

  12. Congratulations to all the winners and runners-up, and also to everyone who put their pitches out there to be judged!

    Tamson, your comments on the pitches were so helpful. Thank you for doing this – it was a wonderful learning experience.

    Julie – thanks for running the contest! 🙂

  13. Ms. Weston gave a bunch of great information. I printed it out to put in my notebook. Congratulations to the winners! I also really liked reading all the pitches everyone entered!!

  14. Congratulations, winners! Thank you for a wonderful post, Tamson!

  15. Congrats to the winners and many thanks to Tamson for all the great insight.

  16. I echo other comments. Congratulations to the winners for their intriguing pitches. Thanks to Tamson for her thoughtful comments on pitches and on specific pitches. Thanks to Julie for sponsoring this contest. I learned a lot!

  17. Congratulations to the winner. And thanks, Tamson, for an incredibly thoughtful and insightful post. Now I know what to do to make my pitch sing better next time. Just having a pitch contest spurred me to spend a few extra days revising my story, so even though I wasn’t a “winner” in the contest, I definitely came out ahead.

  18. Congratulations to the winners! This post was very helpful to me. Pitches are difficult…so few words with so much importance!
    A big thanks to Tamson and Julie.

  19. You’re welcome! Thanks, Julie, and everyone who helped do the first round of judging. I had a lot of fun with this.

  20. Great pitches, and congratulations to all the winners. 🙂

  21. Congratulations to all! And thank you, Tamson, for this excellent advice.

  22. Wonderfully done pitches. Congrads to all of you and to everyone who entered too. Yay everybody! 🙂

    Thank you Tamson! Your advice is valuable. I plan on printing it out for the future! *waving*

  23. Congrats to everyone and great tips.

  24. Yay Melissa and all the winners. And thank you, Tamson for answering a burning question about the use of questions in pitches. I will steer clear of them from here on out.

  25. Thanks for an excellent post Tamson, and congratulations to all the winners! Well done everyone 🙂

  26. This was a helpful, detailed post .. beneficial to all of us, not just the winners. Thank you, Tamson, for this. And speaking of the winners .. Congratulations to you all! 🙂

  27. Thanks, Tamson, for your thoughtful comments. This post as well as your blog post on rhyming picture books contained many key tips to which I’ll refer often. Writing poetry is a challenging word puzzle, and just as in the pitch contest, limits help writers do their best work.
    Lots of good work in this contest–congratulations, winners!

  28. Jarm Del Boccio

    Congratulations to all the winners…looking forward to seeing them published! Thanks for the very helpful guidelines and insights, Tamson.

  29. Congrats to the winners!!!
    And thank you for the tips that will help us all write better pitches in the future. 🙂

  30. Terrifically helpful post, and I loved the pitches. What imaginative work is being done out there! Many thanks to Tamson and the pitchers. Congratulations to all.

  31. Congrats to the winners!
    The reason the question works, is because it is not a “yes/no” questions, and that it is not at the beginning.


  32. Congrats to the winners! Thanks to Tamson for giving her thoughts on so many of the pitches. So helpful!

  33. I learned a lot here today! Thank you for your effort and kindness!

  34. Tamson Weston is great. Amazing how much I learned just reading this post. Congratulations to the winners!

  35. Kathleen Cornell Berman

    Great post! Thanks to the winners, Tamson, and Julie for providing a wonderful
    learning experience for all of us. Writing an effective pitch is something I need to practice.

  36. OH!
    I am astonished, delighted, humbled and overwhelmed to have won this particular contest and this amazing prize! Thank you seems to be all I can type – thank you Tamson, and thank you Julie, thank you to the committee and thank you to the 12×12 and to all the other writers who made this such a fun contest to enter – so many amazing pitches to read and so many books that i want to buy based solely on the pitches I read! (Can you all tell that my first drafts are incredibly wordy and I benefit HUGELY from later editing?)

    Congratulations to the other winners and to everyone who is writing their guts out this year of all years. I’m so excited – to borrow the opening line from this very manuscript: I am the luckiest girl in the world.

    I have to go jump up and down now.

  37. I didn’t enter, but I found your comments extremely insightful. Awesome post! Congrats to the winners.

    : )

  38. This is a great post! Learned a lot by your analysis of other people’s pitches. Thank you, Tamson. Congratulations to all the winners. Great choices!

  39. A big congratulations to the winners, and thanks for the great advice, Tamson!

  40. Congrats to all! Thanks, Tamson for your expertise and the lengthy input (that’s a bonus to those of us unable to participate) and for being so willing to coach one and all! And thanks, Julie for putting this together (Bon voyage)

  41. Congrats to all the winners!

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